In this week’s Torah portion, we learn about the relationship between Jacob and Esau: “Now Jacob cooked a pottage, and Esau came from the field, and he was faint.
“And Esau said to Jacob, ‘Pour into [me] some of this red, red [pottage], for I am faint’; he was therefore named Edom.
“And Jacob said, ‘Sell me as of this day your birthright.’
“Esau replied, ‘Behold, I am going to die; so why do I need this birthright?’
“And Jacob said, ‘Swear to me as of this day’; so he swore to him, and he sold his birthright to Jacob.
“And Jacob gave Esau bread and a pottage of lentils, and he ate and drank and arose and left, and Esau despised the birthright” (Genesis 25:29-34).
In the local vernacular, Esau would be considered a freier (sucker). After all, he sold his birthright for lentils. Couldn’t he even hold out for kubbeh soup?
Ibn Ezra comments that the meaning of the term “birthright” is receiving a double portion of the father’s wealth. And as for the logic of his statement, “I am at the point of death” (lit., walking toward death), it means that every day, when hunting, Esau put his life in danger, there being animals who might kill him. It was a clear possibility that he might die before his father.
Esau is telling Jacob that there is no point in keeping the birthright, as he is “going to die.” Due to his lifestyle as a hunter, Esau doesn’t expect to receive his father’s inheritance. He expects to predecease Isaac. As such, he might as well get something for being firstborn.
How inheritance fights tear families apart
As I have written many times, I often tell people that issues of inheritance can tear apart the best of families. I am often met with a shrug and a statement like, “Our kids are great and get along so well with each other. After we pass, they will sort out the estate in a fair and equal way. We totally trust them.”
I can tell you that even in the best of families, money issues bring out the worst in siblings. That’s why family courts are full of siblings contesting wills. Each sibling has their own agenda with what to do with the money, and if things aren’t spelled out clearly in a will, bad things can happen.
I can’t stress enough the importance of equality in the will. You need to leave equal amounts to each child. If you want to help certain adult children more when you are alive, go for it.
If you have a child who is about to exit their successful start-up and stands to make tens or hundreds of millions of dollars, and another child who is a teacher married to a social worker and struggling financially, I don’t think you need to feel guilty if you help out the struggling couple with the children’s braces.
But in your will, it has to be equal. It’s not even about the money. It’s the emotional connection with you and your children. I have seen lots of dirty laundry come out when siblings start fighting about inheritance.
It usually has to do with one child thinking that they were less loved, because when they were eight, Mom bought them a pack of baseball cards, but bought a new pair of shoes for their sister.
It seems crazy, but I know stories of siblings who have literally harbored resentment toward another sibling because of a $5 slight 30 years ago.
Lifetime gifts vs. an equal estate plan
Lee Woodruff at AARP.org writes about how proper estate planning can help keep sibling harmony. She quotes Lee Hausner, author of Children of Paradise: Successful Parenting for Prosperous Families, who says: “At the estate level, everything needs to be absolutely equitable; otherwise, we sow the seeds of ‘psychological cancer cells.’
“Unless there is some real reason why the estate plan should not be equal, you create the possibility of chaos in the family when they are gone. It’s easy for things to devolve into ‘Mom loved you more than me.’ Parents give to their children over a lifetime.
“With gifting, it doesn’t necessarily have to be exactly even. Parents can directly pay for things like education or family trips and can work out a way to balance things if one sibling is struggling and the other is well off. But in death, it’s important to think about keeping it equal, because you won’t be around to talk it out.”
No matter how great you think your children are, do everyone a favor and create a will where assets are split evenly among your children. You will end up saving your heirs time, money, and lots of emotional energy.
The information contained in this article reflects the opinion of the author and not necessarily the opinion of Portfolio Resources Group, Inc. or its affiliates.
aaron@lighthousecapital.co.il
The writer is the author of Retirement GPS: How to Navigate Your Way to A Secure Financial Future with Global Investing.